Lauren Wu dot com

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine:

• 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
• 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer?'" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Labels: fun

Jezebel posted a chart that was originally published in the October 1927 issue of Popular Science Monthly. Based on the analysis of over two thousand American marriages, the chart, devised by Hornell Hart, Associate Professor of Social Economy, Bryn Mawr College, is supposed to tell you the odds of a marriage being successful with the ages of the bride and groom being the predictors.

"Those conclusions, reached after four authoritative investigations, show that marital happiness depends to a large extent on the ages at which couples marry; that from the age of the bride and bridegroom at marriage it is possible to forecast the future fortunes of the union with surprising accuracy. Age at marriage, of course, is only one of the factors affecting marital success. The physical, mental and emotional characteristics of the man and woman, not to mention financial and social conditions, play a part. But the investigations show age is a big factor."

In case you're curious about the likely success (or failure) of your own nuptials, I've included the chart below, along with the legend that goes with it.

Your chances for happiness. The letter in the area where the age lines of a bridegroom and bride intersect indicates their chances of happiness. Here is the key: A—Ideal. B—Not so ideal; if in doubt wait year or two. C—Risky; wait a few years. D—Very dangerous; both far too young. E—Exceedingly dangerous; wait. F—Divorce probable. G—A little less hazardous than F. H—Girl far too young; foolhardy unless otherwise excellently suited. I—Good chance if otherwise well mated. J—Suffering and divorce likely. K—May succeed if otherwise unusually well matched. L—Good prospect, although they waited too long. M—Fair chance. N—Hardly a chance. O—Both far too young; wait at least four years. P—Man too young; wait year or two. Q—Good chance. R—Very slim chance. S—Slim chance. T—May succeed if otherwise adapted. U—Age difference too great; almost hopeless. V—A little less hopeless than U. In every case, white area is safest; dark, most hazardous

Labels: fun, Jezebel

indexed.blogspot.com is a fantastic site that my friend Jenn recommended. It consists of simple, self explanatory and funny venn diagrams and graphs depicting humorous social theories. I'm not doing justice with the description so just go visit it!.

P.S. I'd love to buy a T-shirt but the graphic on the shirt appears a little small plus I have way too many T-shirts as it is (from various running races I've participated in). It appears that the author, Jessica Hagy, has a book version coming out in February. Perhaps I will purchase that instead when it is available.

Labels: fun

1. I am the confidence and trust that the market places in thou, and thou shall have no other gods before me. Hear me well, for I am itching to smite thee, for thou hast mocked me, lo these many years.
2. Thou shall not take my name, or the names which are sacred to me, "positive cash flow," or "profit," in vain, or ever utter the blasphemy of "pro-forma" or "EBITDA." I shall know of your disrespect, and I look forward to smiting thee.
3. Thou shall keep holy the last day of the quarter, upon which thou shall report accurately with books fully closed, channels unstuffed, and revenue conservatively recognized. You shall honor my commandment with your sworn word, and if you violate thine covenant with me, I shall not even deign to smite thee, but will delegate said smiting to my flock at the Department of Justice.
4. Honor the average investor, for he is of me, and he shall yank his cash so fast out of your Sodom and Gomorrah stock that thine head will spin like that girl in "The Exorcist." After thou are made bereft and humbled, I may still elect to smite thee if thou hast sufficiently angered me.
5. Thou shall not kill the jobs or retirement savings of thine hard-working and generally innocent employees with thine greed, malfeasance and fraud. I have a special smiting planned for thee, thou defilers of dreams and fillers of unemployment lines. The agent of my divine wrath will be the Angel called "personal liability."
6. Thou shall not commit adultery by laying down with the harlots of complex or deceitful accounting, or give custom to their panderers, the accountants, consultants and lawyers. Just for the record, when I am done smiting thee, I shall smite all of them for good measure, and my Angel "personal liability" shall darken all of thine thresholds.
7. Thou shall not steal. What part of this statement taxes thy brain? "Thou shall not steal." Not from thine investors, thine employees, thine lenders, thine own subsidiaries -- not anyone. Even thine own children, soon to be missing Daddy as he serves out his term at Lompoc Federal Prison, understand this divine concept. Are thou sure that thou went to an Ivy League business school? Dost thou believe that feigning stupidity about this simple directive will protect thee from my righteous anger and highly efficient and pro-active smiting?
8. Thou shall not bear false witness in thine financial statements or any other statements for that matter. If thou betrayest my directive and utter such vile falsehoods as "goodwill write-offs" or "one time charges," I shall especially savor my smiting of thee -- which shall begin with a form of atonement called "the perp walk." Lo, this smiting shall continue for many years for the enjoyment of all concerned or those who may be watching "Court TV."
9. Thou shall not covet earnings or positive net cash flow which thou hast not actually produced with thine own skills or efforts. Thou shall not make, or cause to be made, or worship, or incite worship of graven images that resemble good and true earnings or positive net cash flow, or I shall smite thee with one other of my host of avenging angels, that one that thou namest "Bankruptcy."
10. Thou shall not covet a grossly inflated compensation package so far in excess of what your average worker earns that even other executives shy away from your greed like townspeople from a leper. Thou shall not violate this or any of my other commandments in a pursuit of ego gratification or vastly expensive material goods (e.g. private jets), or I shall smite thee by causing thou to perform unspeakable acts upon thine own person with a rolled-up copy of the "Robb Report."

(Thanks to the most whimsical venture capitalist, who prefers anonymity, for these commandments.)

Labels: fun

From my friend Jenn...

• DAMNITOL: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
• ST. MOMMA'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
• EMPTYNESTROGEN: Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
• PEPTOBIMBO: Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
• DUMBEROL: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
• FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
• MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"
• BUYAGRA: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
• JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
• ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
• NAGAMENT: When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

Labels: fun

From Slashdot comes a thread on whether Webspeak is threatening the English language. Feel free to read at your leisure, but I wanted to poach an interesting post on some examples of how complex English can be:

• We polish the Polish furniture.
• He could lead if he would get the lead out.
• A farm can produce produce.
• The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
• The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
• The present is a good time to present the present.
• At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
• The dove dove into the bushes.
• I did not object to the object.
• The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
• The bandage was wound around the wound.
• There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
• They were too close to the door to close it.
• The buck does funny things when the does are present.
• They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
• To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
• The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
• After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
• I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
• I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
• How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
• I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

The English Lesson

We'll begin with box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox is oxen, not oxes.
Then one fowl is goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a whole lot of mice,
But the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be pen?

The cow in the plural may be cows or kine,
But the plural of vow is vows, not vine.
And I speak of a foot, and you show me your feet,
But I give a boot... would a pair be beet?

If one is a tooth, and a whole set is teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?
If the singular is this, and the plural is these,
Why shouldn't the plural of kiss be kese?

Then one may be that, and three be those,
Yet the plural of hat would never be hose.
We speak of a brother, and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.

The masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis, and shim.
So our English, I think you will agree,
Is the trickiest language you ever did see.

And Another One!

I take it you already know
of tough, and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you
on hiccough, through, slough and though.
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps
To learn of less familiar traps?
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead; it's said like bed, not bead!
For goodness sake, don't call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt)
A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear,
And then there's dose and rose and lose -
Just look them up - and goose and choose,
And cork and work and card and ward
And font and front and word and sword.
And do and go, then thwart and cart.
Come, come, I've hardly made a start.
A dreadful language: Why, man alive,
I'd learned to talk when I was five.
And yet to write it, the more I tried,
I hadn't learned it at fifty-five.

Labels: fun

10. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

9. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,"Dam"!

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

7. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

5. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

4. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

3. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

2. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

1. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them smile. No pun in ten did????

Labels: fun

Did you know that even inanimate objects have a gender? Look at the list below and see if you can guess which are male, and which are female:

• Ziplock bags: Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.
• Copier:Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but it can wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
• Tire: Male, because it goes bald, and often it's over-inflated.
• Hot air balloon: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
• Sponges: Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.
• Web page: Female, because it's always getting hit on.
• NY Subway: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.
• Hourglass: Female, because, over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
• Hammer: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5000 years, but it's handy to have around.
• Remote Control Female... You thought it would be male, right? But consider this: it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Labels: fun